I’m only 13 weeks! Look at that belly! I’ve been having a hard time hiding it this past week. Now I don’t have to hide it any longer. :)
Where to even begin? I suppose I should start by saying we are HAPPY. And oh, so very thankful. Getting pregnant was an answer to prayer. We weren’t sure how long it would take or if we could even get pregnant again. We’ve learned not to take anything for granted.
My prayer from before I even got pregnant was that with our next baby I would have a spirit of hope and not fear. That I would choose to trust in God’s sovereignty, even though it was God in His sovereignty who decided to take my first baby away.
I’d be lying if I said I never worry. Or have panic attacks. Or call the doctor multiple times a week. Or brace myself to see blood on my underwear every time I use the bathroom.
This pregnancy is all the more bittersweet because of our loss. I’m glad that I got to be John’s mama, but I long to be a mama who holds a living, breathing baby!
John was the first person I told when I saw the lines on the pregnancy test. You’re going to be a big brother, I whispered. Then I wept and wept. Joyful tears and terrified tears flowed together and I felt myself falling into the arms of God for the millionth time this year.
It is strange—grieving the death of one baby while rejoicing over the life of another. It hasn’t even been a year since John's little heart stopped beating. I still ache for him. I found myself singing to this baby in the shower for the first time the other day. Normally I sing to John in the shower. I sang to him when he was dying, and I sang to him for months after. On Tuesday though, I sang new words. I made up some little ditty, the main line being “I hope I get to hold you.”
(I had to take a break from this post after writing those words because I burst into tears and had to put it aside for a while.)
The memories I have of carrying and losing John are still incredibly fresh. I want to meet this baby so much it hurts my chest every time I tell him/her “I love you” or watch Andy kiss my belly.
It occurs to me constantly that I wouldn’t be pregnant with this baby if John had lived. I don’t really know how I feel about that. I wanted John. I still want John. I want this baby, too. But I can’t have both. I can’t live each day in the past, so I’m placing my gaze forward while keeping my baby in heaven close to my heart.
Baby, even though we miss your brother, your daddy and I are glad to know you. You were and are prayed for. You were and are wanted. You are loved.
I was going to end it there, but many of you have followed our journey and probably have some questions for us. My doctors are not considering my current pregnancy high risk. They will change that if anything alerts them at my 20 week appt. (Truthfully, I’m grateful for this. If I were considered high risk I would get more ultrasounds, but I’d also have to go back to the same perinatal specialist and that place only holds bad memories for me.) I originally scheduled first trimester screening but ultimately decided to cancel the appointment after days of having extreme anxiety over it. We have heard a healthy heartbeat three times and my doctors have encouraged me to come in and hear it any time I get nervous or just need some reassurance. I’m still in the throes of morning sickness and seem to spend my days eating and sleeping and doing little else.
THANK YOU for praying for us and loving on us! Keep praying! Pray for our hearts to continue to heal. Pray for us to place our trust in the Lord and not open the door to worry. Pray that this baby grows perfectly and comes out strong and healthy!